Today is Squirrel Appreciation Day. In dishonor of this ridiculous day, I have a story to tell:Imagine, for a moment, that you are a sweet, innocent, harmless, bushy-tailed little squirrel. You're prancing along, you get hungry, you spot some food. You put your little squirrel lips around a big, juicy chestnut...and BAM! A frickin' 460cc Titanium driver head cold clocks you silly.
Well that's almost exactly what I witnessed by the tee box of the 2nd hole at my home track, Rancho Park Golf Course, several years ago. As usual, there was a two group backup at the 2nd hole. A squirrel came begging for food to a guy in my foursome who I had met for the 1st time a hole earlier. Without hesitation, he swung his driver at the squirrel like it was a teed up Titleist Pro V1x. The driver hit the squirrel squarely on it's side and it went down like a sack of potatoes. It was convulsing uncontrollably and I was certain that it was a goner. I glanced at the assailant in shocked disbelief. He just smiled and exclaimed, "Ha, gotcha ya stupid squirrel!" After about a minute the squirrel miraculously got back on it's feet and limped away.
What kind of person would commit such a callous and senseless act on one of nature's cutest creatures? I say a smart and rational person! This wasn't my opinion at the time, but over the years I've come to understand why such violence is perfectly acceptable. You see, the squirrels at this particular course are not the typical and harmless variety. They have devolved into ravenous golf bag destroying monsters! They have learned that golf bags often contain tasty snacks and it's now coded into their DNA. Any golf bag left unattended will attract a squirrel looking for food. If it sniffs something yummy, it will do whatever it takes to get to it. These squirrels are adept at opening velcro and unzipping zippers. If it still can't get to the food, it will chew it's way through. Over the several years that I've played on this course, squirrels have destroyed two of my golf bags. Here's a picture of the latest victim:
So if you ever see someone play whack a mole with the squirrels at a golf course, understand that he's just saving your golf bag from destruction!
